14 Comments

This is really interesting and an experience I've been unpicking for the past year or so. I spent over twelve years training in 'European Bee Shamanism' a purported ancient female tradition and a specific spiritual lineage rooted primarily in Ancient Britain, Greece and Lithuania. The teachers were charismatic and compelling, touting themselves as special initiates within this private and enigmatic shamanic path. Turns out the man charged with being the 'emissary' of these 'teachings' is an inveterate liar and the non-fiction spiritual 'ethnography' he wrote detailing his supposed initiations is rampantly plagiarised. His female partner, teaching us the work, consistently covered up his theft and lied about how she herself was taught the work. It's been found that this 'shamanic path' was cobbled together with occult practices, tantra and whatever else came into their heads as they went along. And it's absolutely clear now that the women going to these workshops and trainings were feeding big shadow stuff. It's been quite the spiritual crises and as gruelling as that's been, I've learned more in the past year about the dynamics of tribe, the bending it can require for you to be accepted within it and specifically why you want to be within a particular tribe in the first place, than all of my years at their shaman school. Throughout all this I closed down my client healing practise as I'd inadvertently been passing on lies and, ironically, it was the people at my normal, everyday, mundane job who've been my biggest solace, support and sources of wisdom. So tribe comes in many forms. Thanks for writing this, it needs to be said.

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

I really love the way how you are able to find the right words to share your thoughts. I think exactly alike;-). Not to yet finding the tribe that 'speaks my language' is indeed painful. It makes my life more 'dangerous' and taps me in a fragile vulnerable part of me. Happily I connect with people, from different 'tribes' - outside 'their tribe'. Sometimes I wonder if this is not even a better way (for me) to create that tribal feeling that makes me feel more safe in a way. I hop from 1 individual to another, they belong to different tribes. This makes my life richer, more free, and I also belong. The setting is different, in the sense that 'my tribe' is spread over planet earth, instead of having 1 specific place to find and live with each other.

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

I empathise and totally agree. It is so sad that the personal development world is using the bait of tribe, intimacy and connection to pull in lonely and disconnected folk. It is no different to using sex to sell any commodity. You are born in to a tribe; intimacy takes time and effort. Eyegazing is not intimacy. These groups are usually intensely competitive and it is never addressed. Younger women have a great deal of power and choice; older men very little. Apart from a reversal of the old style outer world which may give a certain sense of triumph for some; it is damaging. Nearly all promotion on social media favours grandiose narcissists over depth or experience. There, authentic sharing becomes yet another marketing tactic.

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

love that analogy of using commununity and belonging .... in the same way that sex is used to sell stuff

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

i do think that eye-gazing CAN be very intimate ..... but only with a slow build-up to it .... and first using other ways for bodies to connect with words / presence / touch .... BEFORE we look into each others souls .

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

another cracker Ruby !!!

i also find speed is a consistant problem for me .

living in a world where everyone is jacked-up on caffeine and/or sugar .... "too fast" seems the normal speed .

social drugs also acclimatise us to the false idea of instant connection

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

it's like the world is normalising sex WITHOUT foreplay ...... so that wham bam thank you mam is the ONLY accepted way to have sex ....

and then they look at you funny when you ask for a slower build-up in intimacy ..... with a look that says "well WE are having fun , so what's wrong with you ???"

Expand full comment
Jul 20Liked by Ruby May

I find what you say is quite profound and original! I've been navigating these same issues both as a group member and facilitator by a glass darkly for several years and your words bring some light just when and where I need it now - will need some time to digest all this! Thank you Ruby!

Expand full comment
author

Thanks for sharing your resonance dear Johnny!

Expand full comment
Jul 19Liked by Ruby May

I love how you have given voice to some complex experiences here Ruby. I met you at your power of service workshop here in NZ. It was the best workshop I have ever attended in the’ conscious sexuality’ field ( or trying to be conscious field )regarding play/ boundaries/subtle energy/ asking for what you desire. I’m incredibly grateful for your work back then. And now.

Thanks for giving voice to this “tribe” that we have to constantly pay for to be a part of!

I hold and am part of a lot of community gathering's , nurture massage nights, dinners, music jam nights. I am grateful for you speaking into the individuality piece ( self love of quirks ) and leaning into the tension that connection naturally evokes! and expanding our capacity to hold it all as we go deeper within community.

Expand full comment
author

That's lovely that you were at that workshop dear Lara. Ellie who organized it came to stay with me recently and we were reminiscing about it!

Expand full comment
Aug 19Liked by Ruby May

What is described here is exactly what I experienced myself in such rooms, or rather how I reacted. So first of all, thank you for the description and for putting it into words.

I have another question What do you mean by the second part of this sentence? ‘Or how much we focus on satisfying all our relational needs through romantic relationships, even though these needs should be satisfied through the web of relationships in which we are embedded.’ How do you visualise this? Which needs could be satisfied by which network of relationships? I think it's necessary to move towards a more adult kind of love that meets our needs, but I don't see this happening very often yet. At least not on the level of physical needs. So I would like to hear more about this.

And then I started thinking about how these spaces could be organised differently. I would like to share this.

You could try out what happens when you seriously address the topic of attachment anxiety. However, many people may not find this a good idea. According to therapist Stephanie Stahl, there are strong counter-reactions, at least in relationships. And over the last three years, I've always approached people who radiate a great deal of openness, are quick to socialise with others and generally don't make any commitments about possible fears of commitment. Rarely can this be accepted as a possibility at all. I therefore doubt whether this is an option in such spaces.

My other perspective would be to form circles, groups of up to eight people, to whom you make a commitment for a certain period of time, e.g. a year. Coaches and therapists would then accompany these groups. They could then attend sex-positive events together. But they could also create their own spaces. At the moment, however, I don't have the feeling that we are ready for something like this (or that there are enough people).

Are there any other ideas? I'm curious.

Expand full comment

This was such a powerful article Ruby, and indeed speaks to the underbelly of both facilitation and participation. As an emerging shadow-work facilitator, I am deeply aware of the importance of how we (the facilitator) show-up for the people and our work in the world. Intentionally held spaces can be so sacred and nourishing, as can they also be a powerful space to lean into our own shadows and triggers that sometimes pop up. I ABSOLUTELY resonated with your experience of the triggered nervous system. Specifically within a sex-positive space. I agree it takes time, and multiple layers of re-engaged consent practices to allow ourselves to be fully present AND to fully open up in those vulnerable spaces. Yet even then, there needs to be a duty of care by the facilitator to check back in to ensure the emotional safety net is being upheld by the greater group. I love how our nervous system can be that inner guidance system to say "something isn't quite right here". Sadly, that can be seen as 'we' aren't strong enough whereas in fact, it's that we are attuned to what we intrinsically need, and it's the faciltation space that may be a little 'off'. Loved the article. Thanks for sharing - Cara (OhanaLa Wisdom // Red School)

Expand full comment

Great and thoughtful post Ruby⭐️ I resonated so much with it. I have often had problems with groups and group dynamics. This is the first time I’ve read anything so eloquent and intelligent about it. I’d love to hear more. Hope you are good ❤️

Expand full comment