A few years ago I was being massaged by a very talented and high end bodyworker. I noticed as he was massaging my belly that I was tensing up and not breathing properly.
I waited a moment to see if he would notice.
He didn’t.
I spoke up and asked whether he could soften his touch, to which he replied: “Listen, I know what I’m doing.”
He continued.
I continued feeling tense and unable to breathe deeply.
In the end I asked him to stop.
After that session I made an oath to myself:
No matter how much of an expert - whether bodyworker, healer, doctor or lover - I will never give away my power by checking out or avoiding tension and just let them do their thing.
Since then, whenever I hand my body over to someone, I always say a little prayer, reminding myself of my oath and my agency: I am in charge and I will respond if something isn’t right.
Of course I fail sometimes.
I find myself worrying about wounding a lovers ego or my self judgement “why am I so complicated? I should be enjoying this” or just old patterns of thinking that doctors know best, but I keep coming back to my oath, again and again. It came from such a deep and powerful place, that it will always be with me.
We live in a world that is so polarised between the Yin and Yang.
So much hierarchy and top down authority: governments making decisions, so disconnected from the people they impact, doctors following protocols without tuning into our specifics, handling our bodies like faulty machines, teachers instructing us without inviting our agency in our own learning or the wisdom we carry within us, bodyworkers thinking they know best, receiving feedback as a wound to their egos, lovers penetrating without tuning in and listening.
And yet we are so programmed to be passive!
How many of us have lain like rag dolls, unable to speak up?
Yes, we want the world to change and paradigm of domination and oppression to come to an end (which is just Yang with a Yin imbalance) but we have the responsibility to transform how we’ve internalised this imbalance.
Some of the most ‘switched on’ people I know still work in very ‘top down’ ways. I imagine everyone I know has had the experience of suffering silently, giving away their own agency and suffering in the hands of ‘an expert.’
A few days ago I booked a massage.
I arrived and the massage therapist began by telling me which treatment I had booked and what he was going to do to me without any kind of check in. I gently interjected and shared with him how I was doing and what my intention was for this treatment. During the session I allowed my body to breathe loudly and sigh and and make noise, giving him moment by moment feedback. At one point I instructed him that he needed to warm up an area before working on it so intensely. Later I asked him to include a certain area. It was a pretty good massage…. because I created it to be.
Surrender without a connection to our agency is self abandonment.
Connecting to your own agency can also look like:
Doing your own research before going to a doctor and having a sense of what your desired outcome is
Going to doctors that understand how to identify root causes and support the body to self-heal, rather than just covering up the symptoms
Asking a doctor to tell you what he is going to do to your body before he does it
Asking a gynaecologist if you can insert the speculum yourself
Telling someone to not touch you if you don’t like it
Making an agreement with a lover that you will both always speak up if something feels less than pleasurable and knowing yourself well enough to know what your warning signs are (e.g checking out or thoughts of self-judgement)
These might seem like small things in the face of what’s happening in the world, but by dismantling the ways internalised oppression and its enabling behaviours show up within us, I believe we are contributing towards the paradigm shift we are longing for.
Love you
Wow, self abandonment. Those are powerful words. I've had a couple of conversations this week, hearing stories of growth and how they "had their own backs" through challenging scenarios this week, as well as how they were nervous for their future selves and all the fears associated. It felt important to discuss Trust and how, through these recent experiences they'd had, might we be invited to settle more into this trusting? An oath sounds like a solid rope to hold onto. Thank you, Ruby May. 💕